exploring identity in therapy
I SHOULD know who I am, I’m [insert age] – I’m so stupid if I don’t know this yet. Everyone around me has hobbies, careers they love, they’re so confident in who they are – I’m so behind, what’s wrong with me!? Does this sound familiar?
While we’ve normalized that teenagers often struggle to set themselves apart and try on a ton of different “identities” before they find what sticks, we don’t afford the same patience for exploration to ourselves as adults. Whether teens figure out their identities through how they dress, rebelling against their parents rules, the music they listen to, the hobbies they pick up – we know that all that is just “part of growing up,” right? But what happens when we reach adulthood and we’re still struggling to feel settled in our identity? Is feeling settled in your identity even possible?
The Importance of Identity
Philosophers, psychologists and researchers have long identified having a unique identity as critical to maintaining a stable sense of self – the thing that connects every part of our lives, what we fall back on when things are overwhelming and disorganized. Our self-esteem, confidence and sense of being competent and capable in the world all depend on a sense of self. Not to mention, identity plays a major role in how we interact with the world around us and how we treat others. It’s the thread that continues to be pulled on to keep us moving and engaged with our life, the people we love and the future.
Identity plays a role in:
- Motivation
- Decision-making and problem-solving
- Self-awareness
- Healthy relationships
- Sense of community and evolvement with community
- Self-confidence and self-esteem
- Goals
So it’s easy to see how important it can be to feel a sense of identity, but what exactly is it?
What is Identity?
Photo by Brett Jordan
Are there ways you express your emotions, ways you dress, things you’re passionate about? If your loved ones heard that you acted in a certain way towards someone or wore something extremely different from your usual – would they comment something like, “that’s so out of character!” Or “they’d never do something like that!” These are some basic aspects of our identity.
While it can be difficult for people to answer the question – “who am I?” Most people will be able to name certain qualities, style, passions, beliefs that have remained somewhat stable for most of their lives. This is just a piece of what makes up identity, but it’s an important one to note. These qualities, passions, beliefs, may not look the exact same now as they did when you were a kid – but for many of us certain parts of who we are will follow us through our life. This can make it even more difficult to name when we’re trying to figure out who we are because we take them for granted, minimize their importance or just don’t think about them at all – they’re so ingrained in how we act, think of ourselves and engage with the world.
So that’s a start! While you may feel lost or unsure of your identity in some ways, chances are there are pieces of your identity that you’re not thinking about but that others would be able to notice and name – so your sense of self is in there somewhere! Beyond these qualities, identity encompasses:
- Relationships
- Experiences
- Sexuality
- Religion
- Culture
- Career/Education
- Appearance
- Health
- Politics
- Environment
- Gender
- Personality traits
- Interests and hobbies
- Finances
- Beliefs
- Values
- Goals
Okay, you get it. A lot goes into who we are as complex humans. Looking at this list, I bet you can name a lot of different aspects of your identity that you know, and point out the areas where you still feel you need some direction. This is normal, but just not something we talk about a lot once we enter adulthood.
What Makes Us Question Our Identity?
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So, maybe you experimented with social groups a ton as a teen and you feel like you really solidified your style, your passions, your goals and maybe that’s remained true for most of your life since then. You’ve accomplished those goals, maintained a similar personal style, have the same friend group. If our identity has felt pretty stable up until this point, what would possibly make us nosedive into existentialism after all this time?
Well, anything really. One of the best parts about being a teenager, is that many of us had the freedom to figure out who we were without responsibilities. We had so much free time to work things out. That changes as we age and responsibilities pile up, others depend on us, in general, especially in Western culture, there’s so much less time to just be.
Common Reasons People Question Identity
- Divorce or break-up
- Losing a job
- Moving
- Having a baby
- Getting married
- Starting a business or new job
- Becoming a caregiver
- Graduating
- Chronic Health Diagnosis
- Grief
- Aging
- Transitioning
- Figuring out your gender/sexuality
- Financial hardship (or transition between social classes)
- Kids leaving home
- Aging
Major life transitions happen to us all the time, they’re unavoidable. Will they always make you question who you are? No. However, for many people experiencing life transitions does require them to question some parts of their identity or make adjustments to how they view themselves and others. So, how do we do that?
Identity Exploration in Therapy
Not everyone will need therapy in order to explore their identity. In fact, many of us will go through things that make us question parts of who we are and figure things out, change and move on without ever thinking about seeking extra support. However, sometimes we need a bit of extra support in processing what we’re feeling and finding safe ways to explore new parts of who we might be.
Values
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A way that I often start to support clients in exploring identity in therapy is values. Values is an important aspect of my work in general with clients, but can be incredibly useful when we try and focus in on what parts of our identity we feel like we’re neglecting or that have changed over time and the parts we still feel connected to.
Values are what guide us. They relate to the type of person we want to be, the kind of life we want to live and generally how we interact with ourselves and the world around us. Unlike goals, values are often fairly stable over our lives, they may change slightly after major life events but we will typically value similar things over our lifetime.
Values can be described in one or two words, and in values work we try to identify two to three values in the 4 domains of life – work, health, relationships, leisure/play. Values are things like creativity, honesty, community, adventure. Once we identify our values we take those values and apply to our lives currently. Doing so will often show you where in life you’re living in line with your values (usually relating to parts of your identity you’re more sure about) and where you feel like you’re distanced from your values (often the parts of your identity you feel lost about).
Photo by Pixabay
For example, if my values for leisure were creativity, openness and adventure but I haven’t made time for my creative hobbies in years and I say no whenever someone asks me to try something new because I’m “too busy.” Am I living in line with my values? No. If I’ve recently gone through a major life transition like the ones above, not being able to connect with things that bring me joy, that are grounding, and that feel like self-care (often what the leisure/play domain can represent) then I’m likely to feel disconnected from myself, especially when it comes to the parts of my identity that are outside of work or whichever domain in my life feels most stable at the time.
Identity Mapping
Photo by Tara Winstead
Identity mapping is a way of brainstorming who we are. It gives us the space to name all the parts of ourselves that we “know” and gives us a jumping off point for where we may still need to explore. Just like with brainstorming in school you start with your name in the middle of a page and draw lines coming from your name. Each line represents a part of your identity. Name as many things as you can – your age, your gender, your sexuality, your career, your culture, any of the building blocks of who you are that you deeply connect with. This is an easy activity to do on your own but can be helpful to do and/or process with a therapist, especially if you’re finding the task difficult (as many do) and you’re struggling to notice the areas you may be disconnected from.
Experimenting
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Therapy is a safe and non-judgmental space. It’s a place where you can experiment with different aspects of your identity and process in real time with your therapist how they feel or any emotions that come up for you as you figure things out. Whether it’s a name change, your gender identity, naming your sexuality, or brainstorming new career paths – your therapist can be a support, someone to bounce things off of and the first person that engages with you in the way that you want (i.e. uses your new name or pronouns).
When supporting you with experimenting with parts of your identity your therapist may use interventions and approaches like problem-solving, role playing, brainstorming, communication skills and boundaries to name a few. The goal here is to help you process, try-on and explore your options and then equip you with any skills or resources you may need to connect with this new part of your identity.
Conclusion
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Identity exploration is a normal part of life. While it can be overlooked in adulthood, we all go through major life transitions and events that change the way we look at and feel about ourselves and that leave us questioning, “who am I?” Exploring identity in therapy is one way of experimenting with, processing and integrating new (and old) parts of our identity in a safe and non-judgmental space.
